Okay, So It’s My Birthday…Here’s Volly Number 3, I Guess.

(whoops! this is being published late)

Well, on January 1st, I panned the past year with the thought: “Let’s Not Speak of 2009.”
On January 20th, I looked at the present and responded to Obama’s 1st full year in office.
Now, since it’s my birthday, time to look towards the future.

But first, something from my past…

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I remember when I was 29 that I had a vision of my life during my 44th winter. It was me walking through New York City nearly naked during a blizzard (at least shoeless) for miles and miles up those overbuilt streets and feeling nothing…and making it to my apartment. Safe and sound, though still a bit loopy in the head.

Well, I just made it through my 44th winter. And while I haven’t been back in NYC since 2002, I’ve heard all the stories about the megasnowstorms up and down the East Coast so I’m sure NYC got an ungody amount of snow. I just got over probably the worst cold/flu I suffered since my pneumonia bout, so the fever part came through. And the loopy part…let’s just say I’ve just spent six years overfocused on my finances, to the detriment of everything else in my life.

So while the big picture had NOTHING with my life, I can honestly say the details were all there. I won’t say I saw my future back then, but I definitely saw something that had the details in place. The whole was a lie, but the truth was definitely in the details.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Of course, it could have been a view of my life had I continued on the trajectory I was at the time:

I’m 44 years old, single and losing it. I think I’m in NYC – or somewhere more interesting than where I am, and I’m so poor I can’t afford a coat or anything warm to make it through the winter. So I try sheer body heat. Maybe I succeed, but then who knows…maybe my goal is to die and go to the light. I just know I’m walking a long distance and it’s snowing and cold and I’m underdressed and I don’t notice it.

And the dream turns out to be a warning of what COULD happen. Something to avoid, in other words.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Now it’s interesting that I have been able to say “no” when I’ve needed to, though to be honest “no” when needed is nothing new when you’re sick and your job allows you to take the occasional date off when needed/sort-of-wanted. And I have other things I want to do which would require saying “no” without an immediate “responsibility” coming up.

However, there IS an issue of how much time I have. I remember Xmas and New Years with me looking into the future with fear and fright; now I don’t see much different going on until the 2010 elections, then…something happens, which I don’t have any idea of. I just sense that I don’t want to know what it is.

I’m probably afraid to see what it is. Whatever it is, I get the impression that it will be irreversible and damaging to what the American Way Of Life ™ has been all these years. And I get the idea that stuff not taken care of before then will cause severe troubles for those with unfinished issues.

Anyway, have a good year. As much as can be had, anyway….

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One thought on “Okay, So It’s My Birthday…Here’s Volly Number 3, I Guess.

  1. I relate to your comments here. Well severe poverty is knocking on my door again, leading me to the 20 something nightmares, I thought I left far behind. Deer in the headlights, Flash backs to missed meals, ragged clothing, dangerous places and people.

    Some lives are literally ruined by poverty and mine is done up. Some money at the right time, like when I got ill in the ghetto, could have made all the difference. I suppose I will be like Lazarus at the gate,[check your Bible to know what I mean]

    I always wanted to be secure and not suffer where I could haven done more for other people instead of always being the one in need. I always wanted the feeling of peace, knowing the bills were paid. I am glad things did not go as bad as you thought they would and that your birthday ended up being happier.

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